Dear Reader

Many times I have heard friends say "I am setting boundaries with (a certain person) so that they do not treat me anymore, the way they have been"

And I have been fascinated that the focus of the boundary setting was on the other person. Because a person can only treat you in a certain way if you choose for them to do so (whether that choice is a conscious one or not).

You also have contributed to the situation and experience. A a level you have allowed it, received it and most importantly, allowed your emotional attachment to the person to influence you.

And when you have an emotional attachment to a person in some way then they have the ability to impact you, because at some level you are reliant on them emotionally. You are either needy of them or you experience some vulnerability around them.

You give them the ability to impact you.

I know the key time I thought about setting a boundary with someone was when they kept getting in my physical space.

I was wary of upsetting them, because I had shared very personal things with them, and so I was scared they would share my vulnerabilities with others, if I took a stance with them. So I struggled with how to get them to cease their approach to me.

The way I ceased it was by not hiding from my vulnerabilities anymore. Where what I shared with them, would no longer have an emotional impact on me, if the person shared them. I diluted the power of what I had shared, and the hold it had over me.

This meant that I no longer reacted to the person and how they treated me. They did not get the outcome they were used to. And I made different choices, which resulted in them giving up their need to do what they did.

I have also experienced people accepting how they are treated by others, because they are scared of losing the person in their life. They are needy of them in some form to have them in their life, whether it is that they need to be liked or loved by them.

The reality is the boundaries you set are for you not the other person.

You set the boundary so that you do not cross over that invisible line again. You do not allow your neediness and vulnerability to control and influence what you experience in your relationships. You do not allow your emotional attachment to the person to override you respecting and honoring you.

When you own that you are setting boundaries for you, rather than the other person, then you focus on you. You take responsibility for doing things differently and changing your pattern and process in your interaction with the person. And when you do this you are being intentional in your growth and development of you.

In fact - why not see it as 'You doing right by you and what is right for you' rather than a boundary, then you are coming from a place of empowerment, rather than a place of control and protection, which fundamentally boundaries are?

When you heal your emotional attachment, the vulnerability and neediness you experience, you release your reliance or dependence on the other person for how you feel. They no longer are able to impact you in the way they have.

And this is when you no longer see and experience this process as boundary setting, instead you experience it as 'you are just doing what you know is right for you', because you value, respect and honor you.

Melinda xx

PS: If you want to explore more about boundaries, check out my blog 'The Truth About Boundaries'​